


Remove your wings and try to fly

by burkesl17



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Domestic Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-02-13 05:23:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12976917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burkesl17/pseuds/burkesl17
Summary: Rafael Barba is pulled into a he said, he said case in a way he never normally would be. It has big consequences for his work and relationships, particularly with Carisi.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This contains references to sexual assault and violence that happen off screen and are pretty consistent with what's on the show. Title is a spin on some of the lyrics from Nick Cave and the Bad Seed's Ship Song.
> 
> I can be found on tumblr reblogging SVU stuff among other things - http://chiantirioja.tumblr.com. Feel free to come say hi. Thank you as ever to Mikimoo for the beta read and thank you to everyone for reading!

Rafael walked into the squad room, it was almost empty apart from Carisi who was bent over his desk. He wasn’t wearing his jacket and Rafael let his eyes linger on his ass, just for a few seconds. He normally tried to make sure he kept his attraction to Carisi in check, but last night had been terrible and this morning it was a good distraction.

Carisi must have heard him, as he turned around and smiled. “Hi. You here to grill us about Carmine?”

“Trial starts Tuesday,” Rafael shrugged. “Where’s everyone else?”

“We caught a case, I was just going to call you.” He gestured at the board where gruesome photos of a beaten man’s face and torso were pinned up. 

“Santiago López. It’s a he said, he said.”

Rafael walked closer and grimaced, “Only thing worse than a she said, he said.”

“Right, but this one...López’s boyfriend got home, raped him and beat him half to death. No way they can spin the beating as consensual. He’s going to need his jaw reset, and he’s lucky he doesn’t have brain damage.”

“López is talking?” Rafael asked, picking up the pictures on Carisi’s desk and leafing through them. 

“He was pretty out of it earlier, and he’s in surgery now, but yes. He was waiting at home to end it, this guy has been beating him for years, and now he suspected he was cheating on him. He dumped him, and this happened. The friend he was going to stay with corroborates that story to a point. She was worried about him when he didn’t show, so she called him. She managed to get a few words out of him and then called the ambulance.”

“Good. Who is the scumbag?”

Carisi gestured towards the interview room and Rafael looked curiously through the mirror, before the bottom dropped out of his stomach, and he took a few awkward steps back right into Carisi, who put his hands on his shoulders to steady him.

“Rafael?” 

“I can’t take this case.”

“What?”

“Carisi, I can’t have anything to do with this case!” 

In the interview room Rick Clarke leaned towards Liv and Fin and said, “Look, this isn’t going to make me sound good, but I have an alibi. I left this other guy I’ve been seeing at 11.30. I couldn’t have got back to my apartment by midnight.”

Fin leaned back and said, “Yeah? So who’s this guy?”

“You actually might know him, he’s an ADA in Manhattan. His name is Rafael Barba.”

“What?” Liv said, and Rafael felt Carisi’s sudden intake of breath behind him.

“Is that true?” Carisi said, his voice sounded strangled and Rafael could only nod.

“We did have a fight last night,” Rick was saying. “But I promise you I didn’t do this to Santiago and Rafael wouldn’t believe I would either.”

Looking at him now, sallow under the strip lights with bruises on his hands, it was hard to believe he’d ever thought he was attractive.

“We need to talk, come on.”

Carisi’s voice was very firm as he steered him towards Liv’s office. Rafael let him lead for a moment, but shook him off and marched ahead. He felt at a loss, and folded his arms crossly as he lent on Liv’s desk and glared at Carisi.

“You’re seeing that guy? Seriously?” Carisi said, as if he couldn’t believe it, and Rafael couldn’t read the expression on his face.

“Not any more. I ended it last night.”

“Oh.”

They were staring at each other, and Rafael felt a little lost, unsure what Carisi wanted or expected him to say. 

He saw Liv through the window, she was walking over, looking at her phone, but then stopped as she saw them. He realised she must have been calling him and Carisi opened the door for her without looking away from Rafael.

“Rafael...how much did you hear?” She asked.

He closed his eyes for a second, wanting to be anywhere but here, or roll back the months so he never met Rick Clarke, so he turned down the ticket to the Congressman’s benefit and just went home instead.

“He mentioned the time and the fight. It wasn’t really a fight.”

“Let’s start with the time then.”

She was doing her ‘talking to victims voice’ and it pissed him off. She gestured at the couch, but he stayed standing and met her eyes.

“I think he left earlier than 11.30. I didn’t check the time, but I didn’t go to bed until midnight and it was probably more than half hour.” 

He’d gulped a glass of scotch and then forced himself to sip the second as he’d changed the sheets and picked up the lamp from the floor and tried to calm down.

“I’m not certain enough to help you in court, or him.”

She nodded and said slowly, “There’s a cut on the back of his head. He said he hit it because you pushed him into a door frame.”

“What? No. I did push him, but I don’t think he hit anything.”

He didn’t miss the quick flick of Liv’s eyes towards Carisi, but Carisi was just looking at him. His expression was tight and maybe even hurt. Rafael looked away, realising he wasn’t going to get out of this without telling them everything. 

“I pushed him away from me. Look this was...a really casual relationship. We’d just been seeing each other for a few months, he didn’t want anything more serious.” He glared at them before they could start feeling anything like sympathy. “I was fine with it being casual. I ended it last night, and he grabbed my wrist. I pushed him back, he left. That’s it.”

“He grabbed your wrist?” Carisi asked. 

It was embarrassing. This whole thing was embarrassing, and potentially so much worse, than that, but if this went to trial he couldn’t let it focus on him instead of the victim. 

He pushed up his jacket sleeve and undid his cufflinks, before slowly rolling up his sleeve.

“Oh, Rafa…” Liv murmured.

He didn’t look at either of them, or the dark, purple bruises that he knew were smudged around his wrist. 

“They’ll heal,” he snapped and started to roll his sleeve back down but Carisi reached out and stopped him. Rafael couldn’t help but flinch and Carisi quickly put up his hands. The consideration just rankled him more, but before he could snap something, Carisi said gently, “We should get that photographed, just in case.”

The knowledge he was right just made Rafael feel worse.

“Why did you end it?” Liv asked. 

He’d love to argue it wasn’t relevant to their case, but he knew what he’d say to them in these circumstances. That any detail might be relevant, might be the thing that would convince the jury, that he needed to know everything.

And worst of all, was the fact that it might be relevant. That even if it wasn’t his fault, it was still possibly his actions that had led to Santiago López having his jaw wired back together.

Carisi and Liv were both quiet, trying to encourage him to fill the silence, like they’d do to a victim, or a suspect. And though he might not be ashamed, he couldn’t quite bring himself to look at them as he explained. Instead he walked over to the window instead and stared out at the alleyway.

“A few weeks ago we were in bed.” One of them shuffled their feet, just slightly. “He got rough, I asked him to slow down, he didn’t.” A quick hitch of breath, probably Carisi. “He did when I asked again. I spoke to him about it afterwards and he said he didn’t hear.”

Without noticing he’d picked up a pen from Liv’s desk and started fiddling with it. He made himself put it back down. “Last night...he came over. The same thing happened but this time he just ignored me and carried on. I stopped it completely.” 

It had hurt, how roughly Rick had pulled out, as Rafael had shoved him off, but they didn’t need to know details like that. He couldn’t even consider the idea of talking to his painfully herterosexual crush about the mechanics of gay sex, even if he did work for a sex crimes unit.

“He whined and complained, but I told him twice was a pattern and I wasn’t interested. I told him to get out. That really is it.”

Carisi spun on his heel and Liv grabbed and snapped, “Sit down. You are not going in there, Carisi.”

“I…”

“No. You think I haven’t seen that expression before? We are not losing this case because you lost your temper with a suspect. Even if he deserves it.”

Carisi looked like he was going to snap back at her, but then sighed and sat down. His expression was raw when he looked at Rafael, and he had to turn away.

“Did you know he was seeing someone else?” Liv asked. 

He shook his head and rubbed his hand over his tired eyes. The dull headache he’d had all day from the late night whisky seemed to be getting worse and he had sat down next Carisi, still not meeting his eyes.

“He didn’t do anything to me that can be used in court.”

“Hey. He’s asked for a lawyer.” He looked up to see Fin hovering in the doorway, face unreadable. His eyes flicked to the bruises on Barba’s wrist and Liv said, “He overheard, thinks Clarke probably left earlier than 11.30, but isn’t certain.”

“I can speak for myself.”

Fin nodded and asked, “You alright?”

“Fine,” he replied firmly. 

Fin wasn’t looking sad and worried like Liv and Carisi were, so Barba addressed him as he said, “I need to let the D.A. know about this, and find you a prosecutor. Mel Cheung will probably take it.”

“I’ll take you down to see Carrie,” Carisi said. “She can photograph your wrist and then you can go.”

He wanted to argue, but couldn’t think of a reason and nodded, feeling exhausted, and walked out of the room. Liv called after him, but he just said he’d text her later and followed Carisi out down the hall.

“Did you get your wrist checked out?” Carisi asked. 

“It’s fine.” He held it up and rotated it, which hurt like hell. “Not broken.”

Carisi glanced back down the corridor and then said quietly, “And you aren’t hurt anywhere else?”

There was evidence staining his skin, fingerprints on his hips, a dark bruise on his ass, a bite mark on his shoulder, a sore ache inside. But nothing that wouldn’t heal and nothing that would be useful for SVU.

Carisi’s eyes were a curse. But not enough of one to let him spill these secrets and he shook his head. 

“It really wasn’t a big deal.”

“How can you say that?”

He sighed. “Because it wasn’t. Honestly, it’s mostly just embarrassing it took me this long to realise the sort of person he was. I should know better.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” 

“I know that.” 

His smile probably wasn’t convincing as Carisi shook his head and said, “It really wasn’t.”

They were left awkwardly staring at each other again, in the strange way they sometimes did that made Rafael occasionally wonder whether Carisi was as straight as he seemed.

But if there ever was going to be a day to investigate that further it certainly wasn’t today and he started walking on in silence.

He felt Carisi follow him, and their shoulders brushed just a bit as they walked through the door into Carrie’s office together.

She was reassuringly quiet and professional when they turned up, if a bit surprised at the start. Carisi kept up a stream of chatter with Carrie, something to do with an on-going grossest crime scene competition the two apparently had.

It didn’t take long and he managed to nod at her soft, good wishes as they walked out.

“Rafael…” He turned at the elevator, and Carisi sighed and ran his hand through his hair. “Call me, if you need to.”

Instead of answering, he just raised a hand instead. Once in the elevator he leaned back and let his head hit the wall and wished this wasn’t happening. But wishes like that had never worked out well for him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drinks and conversations, as Sonny tries to talk and Rafael tries to avoid talking about himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the beta Mikimoo! And thank you to everyone for you comments and kudos on the last chapter, it's much appreciated. I was in an accident before Christmas as a consequence this chapter is both much shorter and later than planned. I hope the next one will be done by the end of next weekend.

_“You still want to talk Carmine? Could do it over a drink?”_

_“Really to talk Carmine?”_

_“Really! Unless you want to talk about anything else…?”_

_“Forlini’s at 7? Mention anything other than Carmine and I’m leaving.”_

_“Copy that.”_

It had taken him over an hour to reply to Carisi and he still wasn’t sure he’d done the right thing. But they really did need to talk Carmine and he’d lost a whole day to this nonsense with Rick.

Nonsense. It hadn’t been just nonsense to the man in the hospital. But if he started thinking about how much worse it could have been he wouldn’t be able to stop and he’d be no use to anyone.

“Hey. You want another drink? Scotch?”

He looked up at Carisi, who was half smiling and brushing snow off his coat, and the voice needling him that he should just walk out, died away completely.

They talked Carmine, and went over Carisi’s notes. Rafael was just starting to let his guard down and take Carisi at his word, that nothing to do with Rick would be brought up, when Carisi leaned back in his chair stretched. It showed off how long his body was, the arch of his neck, and Rafael let himself drink it in just for a moment, before looking back down at his notes.

“So, I can’t talk about anything other than Carmine?”

“No,” he replied, and gave Carisi a pointed look.

A smile was just starting to flick around the corners of Carisi’s mouth. “Not the Mets?”

“No.”

“Trump’s latest tweet?”

“I don’t want to know.”

“Not even the weather? It’s still snowing.”

“Nope.”

He was just about smiling though, couldn’t help it. And Carisi was smiling too and leaning towards him with big, sincere eyes. 

Rafael couldn’t even bring himself to lean back and Carisi said, “So, I’m sorry but I have to ask how it went with the DA?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, but in some ways he was a weak man. Not weak enough to just cave though, so he spun his glass between his hands and said, “I will walk out of here.”

“And leave a full glass?”

He was tempted to down it on the spot, but there was something sparking in Carisi’s eyes, and he blurted out, “Did you do that on purpose?”

“Ask you a personal question, just after buying you a drink? Sounds pretty manipulative to me, Counselor.”

He could walk out, into the snow, slam the door on whatever it was that sparked between them. It might be better that way, but he didn’t want to go home just yet, and he didn’t want to dwell on why, so instead he sipped his scotch and let the taste soak through him before answering, “It went fine.”

Carisi didn’t answer, just kept looking at him, and he rolled his eyes again and said, “I know that trick, don’t say anything and they’ll feel obliged to keep talking.”

“Can’t get anything past you tonight can I?”

“Or ever.” 

Carisi shook his head and smiled again and Rafael had to look away.

“She was...supportive. Mel was angry. They were both very concerned.”

Just thinking about how worried they’d been made his skin crawl. The condescension in the DA’s tone, buried under concern. Relating far more intimate details to Mel than he had to SVU. It had left him exposed, and more uncomfortable than Rick had.

He took another drink, downing the rest and shook his head. 

“One more?”

Carisi stared at him thoughtfully and nodded, before saying very slowly. “Something I wanted to ask you. Not related to Clarke. Mostly.” He glanced back down at the table, and then over Rafael’s shoulder, as though the answer could be found in the bottles behind the bar.

And he wasn’t sure, wasn’t certain if Carisi wanted to talk about what Rafael thought he wanted to talk about. He could be wrong. But the chance that there had been something to Carisi’s looks that had lingered a bit too long, that the occasional question in his eyes meant something beyond respect, propelled him to the bar and buying another round.

Don’t fall for straight men was a lesson he’d learned early, in the sticky summer vacation when he’d come back from his crappy job in a men’s clothing shop, to see Alex frantically kissing a girl from his class and it had hit like the sort of blow that sent your ears ringing. The difference between kissing someone you needed, and kissing someone you needed to pass the time. 

He’d made sure absolutely nothing showed on his face the next time he’d seen Alex, and he was ready for nothing to show on his face now if Carisi just wanted to ask about how to get on Mel Cheung’s good side.

“So…?” He asked, once Carisi had sipped his beer.

Carisi stared at the table for a long moment, before saying, “I didn’t know you were into guys.”

Rafael leaned back and discarded the first couple of savagely sarcastic answers. “I don’t talk about my personal life at work, but it isn’t a secret. Liv knows.”

“I wasn’t sure if part of the reason you were...upset this morning, was because he outed you.”

“I wasn’t upset.”

That just got him an incredulous look, and he sighed. “I should have realised earlier what an asshole Rick is. It’s embarrassing.”

Carisi took a deep, angry breath and Rafael held up his hand before he could start speaking.

“Why did you ask about me being attracted to men?”

Their eyes met, and Carisi slumped forward. Rafael inched his hand forward, but stopped before he got too close.

“Because I am. And I hate it. And I’m trying to hate it less.”

He was old to be having this crisis, but he was also more Catholic than Rafael’s Abuelita, and how much the words were costing him showed on every part of his face. Rafael felt useless and sipped his drink before answering.

“I’m not sure what you need me to say. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it, but it’s also part of the reason I walked away from the church as soon as I was old enough to get a job which gave me an excuse to miss mass. I can’t tell you god loves you, as I don’t know if there’s a god. I can tell you...I can tell you your life will probably never be easy until you accept yourself.”

There was a twist of a smile on Carisi’s face. “Pretty tough love.”

He wasn’t good at any other kind.

“Come out to Liv, if you want someone to hold your hand.”

He realised how stupid that comment was at the same moment Carisi did, and they both started laughing. The tension broke and Rafael tipped his glass forward.

“Welcome to the club, we generally have better clothes. I’d have said you’d be spared losing all you Saturdays in June to weddings too, but the Supreme Court ruined that.”

Carisi laughed again, shaking his head. “You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I?”

“No. I can tell when you’re being an ass and when you’re being sincere.”

“The two aren’t always mutually exclusive.”

He could lose days in Carisi’s smile, and the look on his face as he clinked his glass against Rafael’s. He lost hours that evening, another two wound by as they meandered through conversation that kept dragging back to the serious, as Carisi said, “My priest told me as long as I never acted on my feelings, I hadn’t done anything wrong.” But then would twist back to, “See, Rafael, you say you’re out, but you haven’t even watched RuPaul’s Drag Race.” 

And then they were the only people in the bar, and they were both putting on their coats too slowly, and Rafael didn’t mean for their hands to brush as they pushed through the empty tables, but they did, and Carisi breathed in sharply and didn’t pull away. He dropped his hand to the small of Rafael’s back, as he opened the door, which made him shudder. 

And they were outside, staring at each other as snow drifted between them.

“Can we do this again?” Carisi blurted out, just as Rafael said, “Don’t ask.”

The wind was howling down the street, and the cold air was so sharp it sobered him up. Carisi’s hurt look was hurting Rafael too, but he still felt sore inside. And all the whisky in the world couldn’t push away the memory of the picture he’d seen of Santiago López’s face. With bruises so bad it was impossible to tell what he actually looked like. And a medical report that had made it clear just how much worse he must be feeling inside.

“Carisi...Sonny. You interviewed López. You will testify at Rick’s trial. I will almost certainly have to too as well. This cannot look like you went after him because…because of a relationship between us.”

Carisi still looked hurt, but also understanding, and he rather sadly nodded his head. 

“I get it.”

“Also…” and this was harder, but no less necessary. “I can’t be with someone who hates the part of themselves that makes them want me.”

The snow was getting harder, and Carisi looked at the sidewalk. 

Rafael said firmly, “I might not always show it, but I have too much self-preservation.”

“I’ll work on it.”

Carisi looked up, his eyes bright and determined, and he was a terribly weak man in some ways, but he couldn’t stop himself taking a step forward, and Carisi did too and then they were kissing, hesitantly and with shaking hands as the snow drifted onto their faces and their fingers cupped each other’s cheeks. 

It was hard to pull back, but he did at last, and said quietly, “I’ll see you tomorrow, Detective.”

“Tomorrow, Counselor.”

And as they walked off in opposite directions, they both kept looking back towards each other, until they were just a shape, a ghost in the snow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the day before. Something that might be regret and threatening texts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine everyone who was interested in this fic had long given up on it as it hasn't been updated for months. But after some time when it's been rather tricky to write, I've now started again and chapters should start coming more regularly. Thank you to everyone for your patience and I hope you enjoy this.

The years were beginning to wear on Rafael in a way they never had before. He couldn’t lose two nights in a row to sleeplessness and whisky and not see it in his bloodshot eyes, feel it dragging in his limbs, as he stood under the scalding water in the shower. 

The DA had suggested he take a few days in a way they probably thought was tactful. But the ground beneath him had never felt solid enough to show that weakness. He’d spent too many late nights in the Harvard library after almost everyone else had left, working to make sure his grades were perfect and that nothing would happen that might risk his scholarship and send him tumbling back to the Bronx. And then he’d spent too many nights in his first corporate jobs, trying to ensure he got the best possible results and the money to create a cushion between himself and anything that resembled poverty. Fueling himself with coffee because he’d seen in his father’s frantic chatter and random violence, what fueling himself with the coke his colleagues were hoovering up could do.

And then working late and pushing everything down had become a habit it was probably too late to break. 

He pushed the introspective thoughts back as he cleaned his teeth and dressed in one of his nicest suits, carefully pairing it with a shirt with faint lavender lines and a dark purple tie. He’d been able to do up his cufflinks up without looking for years, so he didn’t have to look at the bruise on his wrist. He thought it hurt less already, in a few days it would be gone completely. 

He couldn’t feel anything inside anymore either, which did make him feel better.

The incident with Carisi really might turn out to be nothing. He wouldn’t have closed it off as harshly as he had, and then kissed him, if he hadn’t been fuelled by too much whisky, but he really wasn’t interested in getting involved with someone still buried in their closet. 

But it was more pleasant to dwell on Carisi’s blue eyes, and the memory of their bodies pressed together, than the other memories he could think about today.

As he queued for coffee, his phone buzzed and he opened the message without thinking, unsure if he wanted it to be from Carisi or not. It wasn’t though.

_Hi have the police spoken to you yet? Know we split on bad terms, but it wasn’t that bad. Just confirm I left at 11.30._

The barista had to call his name twice before he heard her, and he spilt some of his coffee on his hand as he grabbed the cup a bit too hard.

Rafael knew he had to tell Mel and Liv as soon as possible, but the moment he got to the office, he was pulled into a plea deal negotiation for another ADA who was off sick and then he had a meeting of his own.

At the end of that one he looked at his phone to see two missed calls from Rick and a slew of messages getting more and more intense.

_Call me back please? I need to explain._

_Rafael call me back._

_I know you’re busy, but I could go to prison. Can you confirm what you told the police?_

_Come on, don’t be a petty bitch. It was just a misunderstanding, and I didn’t do anything to the other guy._

_Rafael you need to call me, you asshole._

_If I go down for this I will bring you down too, you piece of shit._

_Call me. Now._

His hand didn’t shake as he put his phone down on his desk. There was nothing in his voice to give away the tightness in his throat as he called Mel. And by the time she walked in, followed by Liv and Carisi, there was absolutely nothing to see in his face.

“What’s up?” Mel asked, dropping into the chair across the desk. He didn’t answer her straight away and just about managed to spare Liv a nod as he looked at Carisi. Carisi who looked tired and who was staring at him with wide, wide eyes.

He hated how much it cost to casually say, “Rick rang me earlier.”

They all reacted fairly predictably. Mel leaned forward eagerly, Liv looked deeply concerned and Carisi spat out, “What did he want?”

“For me to agree with his version of events, I assume.”

He unlocked his phone and then pushed it over to Mel. She smiled triumphantly and genuinely for a moment as she read the messages, and then quickly smiled in the same way he suspected she’d smile at victims. 

The pity made him feel sick and he reached over to take his phone back, but Liv had grabbed it out of her hand.

“We need to get you on the witness list,” Mel said. “If he tries contacting you again, then it’s witness tampering.”

“When’s he being arraigned?” Rafael asked, making another reach for his phone.

“Today,” Mel replied. “He’s rich though, he could make bail.”

Rafael nodded, because Rick absolutely had the assets to make bail, but in the moment he’d been distracted, Carisi had taken the phone and he was starting to scroll through the messages.

Rick and Rafael had never been romantic. He hadn’t been lying that they were casual, that it wasn’t serious. But there were a few months of texts that he wasn’t comfortable any of his co-workers seeing, not just where or when they’d meet, but what they’d do to each other when they got there. 

He couldn’t even say, “There’s nothing relevant past the 25th.” When he’d sent Rick a text before he’d come over saying, “I’ll be home by 10.30. I want you to fuck me so hard I can’t speak.”

It would be bad Mel seeing that. And horrible Liv seeing it, although neither of them would judge. It was frankly ten times worse having Carisi obviously see it, the angry, cold expression on his face, and the way he dropped the phone back hard on the desk and marched to the window. Both Liv and Mel turned to watch him, and Rafael grabbed the phone back and shoved it in his pocket.

Liv’s voice, which might be soothing if it were directed at someone else, said, “We’ll need a copy of the messages.”

“I can’t, and wouldn’t, deny I arranged to meet him. Or what we arranged to meet for.” He looked at Mel as he said, “You can put me on the witness list, but nothing I told you originally has changed. I think he left before he said he did, if his lawyer is evenly barely competent, he’ll force me to admit I didn’t look at the clock, which would imply I’m not 100% certain. Anyway, can’t you find his uber on a camera somewhere?”

Mel quirked her lips and said, “Oh I’m hoping we don’t call you at all, but Rafael, do you think that anyone here wouldn’t do anything they could to help you?”

“I don’t need your help.” He crossed his arms and leaned back as he said it, into the depths of a rich leather chair that carried decades of stability with it. But leather would burn as sure as plywood and she just shook her head as she asked him to screenshot all the messages he and Rick had ever sent each other.

He nodded and she left, with a backwards look he wasn’t sure how to take. Liv stood too and said quietly, “Rafa, you know I’m here if you need to talk.”

“I’m fine.”

She looked at him for a long moment before sighing and nodding and called Carisi’s name. He turned slowly and said, “Me and the counselor didn’t finish talking Carmichael’s case yesterday. We should probably do that now.”

Liv frowned, and whilst Rafael would rather press his hands on a hot stove than talk about Rick with Carisi, that tiny spark of hope he had about the situation flared up and he said, “He’s right. I do still work here, I’m not just a witness.”

Both Carisil and Liv started talking at once about how they knew he wasn’t, but he ignored them and went to start making coffee. He knew how Carisi took his coffee, that he preferred craft beers, that he loved trying different foods. He knew that sort of stuff about Liv too though, and he tried not to read anything into it.

He turned to them both and raised his eyebrows as he said, “Can I get on with my job?”

Liv looked between him and Carisi and then nodded slowly before saying, “Finish up quickly, Carisi, there’s a lot on.”

When she’d gone, he sipped his coffee and said slowly, “Thought we discussed everything about Carmichael last night?”

“Yeah we did.”

Carisi drummed his fingers on the windowsill and turned to look directly at him.

“You were right last night. I haven’t slept, I’ve just been going over everything in my mind, and I keep coming to something my priest said, ‘hate the sin, love the sinner.’ But you’re right, if I still think I’m a sinner for this, then I’m stuck.”

Rafael took a sip of his coffee and nodded. “You will be.”

Sonny smiled then, just a very slight one, and said, “I’m working on it.”

“Well. Good.”

Their eyes met, Rafael had to swallow, Carisi’s eyes flicked to his throat, and Rafael abruptly said, “Santiago López." 

Carisi nodded slowly and their eyes met again. 

“But after that’s done?”

“Then…we’ll talk.”

Among other things, and by the time the wheels of justice had ground through Rick, he was sure he'd be thinking about those with relish again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A conversation and a coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for everyone who commented on the last chapter, it really means a lot that people were glad to see this story make a come back.
> 
> Thank you as well to Mikimoo for the beta reading!

The next few weeks were dreadful. If Rafael had been a different man, he’d have done what he’d have wanted to do, which was avoid the office altogether. 

But instead he stalked the halls of the court with his head held high, trying not to hear the gossip that swirled around him. But everyone knew he was a witness in a DV case, because someone knew someone who knew someone. They said they’d seen the photograph of his wrist, and the rumours had flown, so it became rope marks, sex games gone wrong, hands that had strangled his neck instead of just grabbing his wrist.

He kept his head up, held their eyes if they stared too long, and defied anyone to say anything.

Word had undoubtedly got around the police station too, but he couldn’t avoid SVU’s office forever. The day after the Carmichael trial wrapped up, he found he had to go back there for an update on the latest collection of creeps caught in a sting.

He was unsure whether he wanted to see Carisi or not. They’d been politely avoiding each other and Rafael had begged off drinks after Carmichael, having decided drinking with Carisi at the moment had the potential to cause trouble neither of them needed. Especially with the memory of Carisi in the witness box, his long fingers curled over the wood and his best suit jacket hugging his shoulders. 

The office was fairly empty when he arrived, which was an immediate relief, and then left him irritated with how relieved he was. There was just Carisi standing and looking up at the evidence board, tapping a pen on his lips. For a moment, Rafael wanted to walk right back out, but that was just an example of why getting into even an ill-defined and purely potential ‘arrangement’ with a colleague was a terrible idea, and he strode forward and said brusquely, “Hey. Where’s Liv?”

Carisi jumped slightly and replied sarcastically, “Nice to see you too, Counselor.”

Rafael rolled his eyes at him and Carisi softened slightly and said, “The Lieu isn’t here, we caught another case. Can I help?”

“Possibly.” 

He looked away from Carisi’s ridiculous blue eyes and up at the evidence board. He realised the picture of Santiago López’s battered and bloody face was still up there and he tried not to show any surprise or the heavy, sinking feeling flooding him, but he can’t have been completely successful as Carisi pushed in front of him saying, “Oh hey, I can take that down.”

“Don’t bother. It’s fine.”

“It’s not fine, we should of already thought about it.”

“Carisi, it’s fine!”

Carisi looked genuinely hurt, and several other people in the room looked round. Rafael saw their eyes turn to him, and then flick to the photograph and he snapped, “I’m fine. Really.”

“It’s...you know...okay, if you’re not. You went through something pretty bad.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Rafael…”

“Will you...just stop.”

He turned away and took a few steps forward, meaning to just walk away entirely. But he’d been walking away from people his whole life, or watching them walk away from him, and there was just something about Carisi that he didn’t want to walk away from. It could take a long time for Rick to come to trial, and there was no way of knowing if Carisi’s interest would last that long. But walking out now was probably a good way to help snuff the whole thing out. That was almost tempting. 

But he stopped walking, froze awkwardly in the middle of the room and Carisi slowly walked up behind him. He couldn’t quite bring himself to turn round as he said, “It wasn’t that bad. If this situation hadn’t happened, I’d have never thought about him again.”

“Once the bruises faded anyway.”

He turned around to face Carisi then, and shrugged. It would be nice if what he’d said had been completely true, but it hadn’t been a complete lie either, even if Carisi didn’t seem to believe him.

“It’s just…embarrassing.”

Carisi frowned.”Embarrassing?”

“Yes.” He waved in the direction of the rest of the room. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“No but...this is my job, Carisi.” He wasn’t even sure why he was being this honest as he waved at the board and continued, “I meet these scumbags every day. I’ve worked on too many domestic violence cases to count, and somehow...somehow I missed all the signs about Rick. So yes, it’s embarrassing.”

Carisi shifted closer to him, closer than was really professional, and Rafael wanted to lean into him and the electric current between them. He wanted to feel it everywhere their bodies touched.

But the heat in Carisi’s eyes wasn’t sexual as he shook his head and said, “I’ve seen you in court, time after time, tell the jury that men like this are good at hiding. And I’ve seen, god knows how many cases, where someone with a black eye tells me that ‘it didn’t start out that way’ and ‘they were nice in the beginning.’”

His mother had said that. One of the few times they’d talked about his father once she’d left him. Late at night the first Christmas after he’d died, she’d said, “I know you don’t believe me, but he was so kind at first, we had so much fun. Our first Christmas together he bought me this necklace. It was just cheap trash of course, but it meant more than a real diamond would have.”

He hadn’t replied, there was nothing he could have said that wouldn’t have just made her feel worse. 

“And Rafael,” he was snapped out of the past by his name, and Carisi took another step closer. He could smell his cologne now, if they just moved in a bit more they would have been kissing and he couldn’t seem to tear his eyes from Carisi’s.

“You stopped it. You kicked him right out of bed the moment he started showing those signs you say you missed. You ended it before anything really serious happened.”

He had. And it was easy to believe with Carisi staring at him with a warmth and belief he felt down to his bones. He couldn’t help the smile that started to tug at his mouth and he nodded. Carisi smiled then too, wide and barely resitible. And if they’d been really alone there was nothing that could have stopped him pulling Carisi down into a kiss.

But they weren’t alone, the room was full of cops, someone nearby was shouting for a lawyer and a radio was droning the latest headlines. He knew he had to step back, but this time it was Carisi who did so, shutting his eyes for a moment. And it was a heady feeling to be desired so much, but he took his own step back and looked away too, down at the floor.

The moment had been so intense it seemed to leave them both slightly awkward, and as Rafael looked around he noticed something new on Carisi’s desk. He walked over and picked it up, a little black cube with a spring in it, and clipped to the spring a pride flag with the Gay Officers Action League logo on it. 

“Oh yeah,” Carisi said, looking slightly embarrassed and possibly a bit defiant. “I joined. But…”

Rafael just raised an eyebrow and Carisi shrugged with a short laugh. “Everyone just thinks I’m trying to be a good ally, you know? Not that I’m actually...” he waved a hand vaguely instead of finishing the sentence.

“Coming out...you never really stop doing it.”

“That sounds exhausting.”

“No,” he shook his head and inched a bit closer again, although not as dangerously close as before. “It gets easier all the time.”

He waved the little flag and half smiled again and Carisi smiled back. “I just thought, doing that...I could tell people, without actually, you know, telling people.”

“If you aren’t ready, you don’t have to tell anyone.”

Carisi leaned forward and took the flag from him, their fingers brushed and Rafael had to bite down a slight gasp.

“Well, there’s this guy. He seems to think I have to be out or something before he’ll date me.”

“I don’t think that’s what he meant.” Rafael replied quickly, but Carisi was still smiling.

“No probably not, but he does seem to think I need to be ‘comfortable with myself’.”

“He definitely didn’t say that.”

“Well, actually what he wants is pretty sensible. But I’m not going to get there on my own.”

Their eyes met again, but Carisi’s tone had switched to serious, and a little sad, and it was safe to shuffle closer in a moment heavy with something that had nothing to do with sex.

“That makes sense, we all get there in different ways.”

Their eyes met, and all of Rafael’s eloquence left him as he tried to find the right words to heal some of the cracks in Carisi’s ridiculous heart.

“Barba!”

He turned to see Liv rushing into the room, Fin behind her. “I’m sorry I’m late, it’s been one of those days, but I’m free now.”

She stopped and smiled, but her eyes were flicking between them, and Rafael realised how close they were, and also how stepping back would probably make it look ten times worse.

“I was just saying,” Carisi blurted out, waving the flag awkwardly, “how everyone seems to think I’m joining this just to be an ally. But I’m not...it’s because, because…”

He seemed to run out of steam then and Rafael looked at Liv and Fin, willing them not to step in and say anything before he got it out.

“I like guys. Like, I _like_ guys.”

“Oh,” Liv said. She looked a little taken aback, but not as much as Carisi was probably expecting. “Well, thank you for telling us. I’m glad you did.” She smiled, “And I’m really happy you feel you can talk to us.”

Fin clapped Carisi on the shoulder, saying, “It’s cool man,” and heading to his desk.

Rafael wanted to say something more, but the moment had grown beyond them to being about Carisi. He followed Liv as she and Carisi talked, but as Carisi turned back to the evidence board and he went towards Liv’s office, he couldn’t help just letting their hands brush. His fingers ran across Carisi’s palm and pressed and lingered just for a moment, before he walked away. He couldn’t even look back as he closed the door behind them.

Liv raised her eyebrow at him as he sat down, “You already knew, didn’t you?”

“Of course. We all have that special homosexual radar.”

She stared at him, but he just looked blankly back at her until she changed the subject and looked down at the papers on her desk, probably deciding there were things she was better off not knowing.

By the time they were done, there was no sign of Carisi, and this time Rafael knew he was disappointed.


End file.
